Last May, I sat in the backseat of my best friend’s car, crying.

I was not looking forward to going home to the suburbs to live with my parents, and the emotional intensity of it all was compounded by the exhaustion from our late night in Chicago, and the news that my ex boyfriend was jetting off to Europe for two months with his new girlfriend.

I wasn't saddened by all of this, as much as I was destabilized. There was a rawness and uncertainty that I didn't know what to do with, and at this moment in time, I had made an intention to sell my house in spring of 2025. The problem was I had zero plans for what would follow.

Where would I go? What would I do? With who?

Driving home on the last leg of my trip, I remembered I didn't need to do it alone. There was an experiment (ceremony, ritual, whatever you want to call it?) that had caught my attention. And just as any human has ever done for all of existence… when you feel that you've gone as far as you could on your own, you turn towards God.

Everything in this world – every stitch in the fabric of life – is a co-creation between you (the feminine) and God (the masculine). Whether it's an actual human baby, or a creative project, everything has a gestation period, and is eventually ‘birthed’ into existence.

In Sanskrit, this is called lila, or divine play. There is nothing in this world that is not holy, because everything is the result of union between masculine + feminine, in all its' spontaneous, creative, and loving nature.

So, when I arrived home, I crawled into bed and surrendered every ounce of faith I had into God. I let myself get lost in the daydream of every hope, dream, and desire. I invited in any feelings of pleasure, pain, grief, sadness, and fear. I asked God to plant a seed in me, told him I trusted whatever he held next for me (no matter how big or scary). And in return, I promised to carry, nourish, and eventually birth into existence whatever it may be.

I now had a ‘due date’ – February 19th. :)

The morning before I decided I wanted to be pregnant. My friends could not get me out of Lake Michigan, I was so happy to be in water. Possible foreshadowing.

A woman's pregnancy is a grand adventure into mystery + limitless potential.

Is it a boy? Girl? What will they like? Dislike? How will their laugh sound? What color will their eyes be?

My creation with God felt the same.

I'm sure you've learned this on more than one occasion – life never goes as you planned, despite your best efforts. I thought I would marry young. I thought I would live the rest of my life in Portland, Oregon. I thought I would go to school to be a Naturopathic doctor. My 20s have been a rollercoaster. In one moment, I could be overwhelmed with uncertainty, and in the next, I'm filled with joy and gratitude.

It's taken me years to realize that sometimes my ‘best efforts’ to figure out my life were actions driven by stress and fear. And my time could be much better spent cultivating an internal sense of trust and peace.

Because based on my track record, all is eventually well, 100% of the time. Joy, peace, and refuge is always available in the end.

So, to me, this pregnancy represents a vow to be in partnership with God. I want to give him my full trust, because let's be honest, I'm god damnnnn tiredddd of being in the driver's seat.

This is where things became really fun.

I knew in my whole body that something big was coming in February. And I acted like it. I told anyone who I thought wouldn't think I was crazy. I marked my due date on my calendar, and I celebrated the entrance into my second and third trimesters.

I wondered – endlessly – about what would come, and I also knew that I wouldn't know until the birth itself (just like any other birth). Would I meet the love of my life? Would I write a book? Would I stumble across a dilapidated house in Tuscany like Diane Lane? (my dream)

My favorite part was there was nothing else for me to ‘do.’ I was already pregnant; what's done is done. I didn’t meditate, journal, chant mantras, or pull oracle cards in order to manifest the next thing. I was already carrying it inside me.

My only focus was on nourishing myself (the ‘mama’ to be) so I could have a healthy, happy pregnancy, and a smooth birth.

I secretly called the next nine months my incubation period. I lived my quiet life at home, went to the gym, spent time with my family, walked the dogs.

Sometimes, I would catch myself in my ‘best efforts’ (read: actions from fear, trying to plan, control) and would then humbly set my ego to the side, and choose rest and trust once again.

Soaking in as much bff and family time as I can, in my favorite place ever, because I knew things were changing somehow

In the last six weeks leading up to my due date, I had scarcely thought of my 'pregnancy' at all. I was so enthralled with my arrival in Indonesia, so busy exploring the island, meeting new people, practicing the language, I had almost forgotten about it entirely.

Many travelers I met along the way were talking about buying land in Indonesia – it's a hot topic at the moment. Or at the very least, trying to figure out ways to extend their travel. I was naturally curious and intrigued, but it ended there.

About three weeks before my due date, a friend and I were scribbling in his notebook, trying to plan how he could quit his job and leave Sweden. When he turned a blank page for my own life plan, it didn't feel right.

Being on this (very difficult to get to) island to begin with was some kind of divine intervention. So many people have asked me why I'm here, or how I knew to come here, because most people typically arrive in a similar pattern, and I did not fall into that category.

I wrote about this in an email months ago – I knew I was supposed to be here. And I trusted that if I was meant to know the reason, it would come to me. I didn't need to look for it.

So when he handed me the blank page and the pen, I gave it back. It wasn't my intention to move here, I just wanted to be in the experience.

Just happy to be here. Little did I know I would own land a five minute walk away.

On the evening of February 14th (five days before my due date, and my last night in Sumbawa), I randomly ran into a friend, who indulged my curiosity and answered every question I could possibly have about buying land.

If I hadn't run into him, I would have happily went along on my travels and maybe never given it another thought. But I was growing more curious, and something about it felt exciting. (Important to add here: completely improbable, as well.)

I've had years of practice trusting feelings (especially when they make no sense at all, or are completely delusional). How else do you think God communicates to you?! God is always leading you through feelings and intuition.

This is the process of co-creation, and why trusting your intuition is vital. You have limitless potential, but every time you choose against your intuition, you're effectively saying to God ‘I don't need you, I know better.'

But when you drop the need for control, and vow to listen and participate with an open heart, magic happens. You're struck with the unmistakable sensation – something feels right here.

It's the reason I bought my house is 2021 (I knew before I walked inside that this is where I would live).

It's the reason I poured myself into Ayurveda and my coaching business (teachings that have shaped me more profoundly than anything else ever).

It's the reason I bluntly expressed my interest to a man who, I swear to God, I would marry in a moment (I barely know him, it's chill, nbd).

^ Admittedly, this last one hasn't panned out. But, this is the process. I am here to feel, listen, and respond. Feel, listen, and respond.

Saying goodbye as we both left Sumbawa. I said ‘I feel like I’m going to see you again for some reason'

(we both came back + we've just spent the last three weeks together)

There were many moments where I thought it was a complete dead end. Moments where it felt not quite right, so I adjusted. Countless late night and early morning phone calls. And many, many small, synchronistic moments that magically led me to the next thing.

For starters.

I left all of my belongings in Bali and flew back to Sumbawa to look at land (even though it was still a total pipe dream).
^That only happened because I met someone in a cafe who convinced me it was a good idea.
^That only happened because a diving instructor convinced me to purchase the bigger package and stay for the provided lunch.
^That trip to the beach only happened because my date flaked on our plans a few hours before.

I've said this to my clients repeatedly over the years and it always holds true: This is good. This is good. This is good. Whatever it is. This is good. Thank you, to the very kind Canadian firefighter who bailed on me. I owe you one.

I could fill an entire book on the nitty gritty details, but this is the gist – For four weeks, I told myself over and over and over again three things:

If buying land in Indonesia is meant for me, it will come to me.
If it continues to feel good, I will continue to ask questions.
If it doesn't feel good, I will walk away with a feeling of peace.

I didn't realize it until much later, but that initial conversation on February 14th was the start of my labor.

At one point, I told my mom that the whole experience felt out of my control. Obviously, I was doing work (I was completely exhausted by the end of it), but I felt that I was so swept up in it, every moment of every day. Only later did I realize… that's kind of what real labor is like. Once it starts…. it doesn't stop.

I cannot emphasize enough just how little I had to force the process. Everything unfolded exactly how it was meant to. It was messy, and difficult, and wonderful.

Full circle moment, trying not to cry in the backseat of my friend's car on the way home from the notary. Everything is official.

It's only the very beginning of an interesting next chapter in my life. A chapter I vividly daydreamed about months ago last May when I became ‘pregnant’. A chapter I've been writing about in explicit detail, in my journals, for the last many years.

This experience has instilled a level of trust and gratitude in God I never could have expected. Nine months of wondering ‘will surrendering actually work?' Well, it worked.

And yet, as I write this, there's a little voice in my head that's softly reminding me that this isn't why you do it.

You don't do it for the end result.

You don't do it because you're counting on every hope, wish, and dream to become fulfilled (of which there will always be many).

About a month ago, I came across this quote in a book, and I think it sums up this experiment of devoting to God's love quite nicely –

‘We think you’ll find that every woman in her heart of hearts longs for three things: to be romanced, to play an amazing role in an adventure, and to unveil beauty. That's what makes a woman comes alive.' – John Eldredge

To be continued…

xoxo
Rachel